Missing Joy in Life

This is a guest post by an author who has chosen to be known by his psuedo name "The Philosopher".

Something is missing. What it is, I do not know. Wow, this sounds almost like statement in the Matrix made by Neo. Maybe it is why I so much like the Matrix. I feel it is so relevant and philosophical to my and other peoples’ lives too. Alright, this was a tangential offshoot. Something definitely does not feel right. Nothing or no one makes me happy anymore. How or since when this feeling started, I cannot recall. But I seek solace in loneliness, away from presence of any human soul. I find myself trying to distance from human company, slipping quietly from any human gathering into solitude. I fear I am starting to earn the reputation of a loner. I spent entire Sunday afternoon cleaning my room and then staring at my computer either blogging or browsing on facebook. In the evening, I got bored with my computer and so took refuge in my second favourite place after bedroom- general library.

Sometimes I wish I had kept a journal where I could have just let loose my random rants. It would have made me feel better at least instead of keeping these weird thoughts bottled up. There is a fear in expressing such thoughts since it could easily earn one the label of a “weirdo”. Everyone has these thoughts once in a while, some people hide it while others cannot hide it and hence appear as weak ones. After all, how can humans despise human company and have any affinity towards loneliness? To be human is to be social. Civilization has designed activities, rituals and organized family units so that humans can live in groups/cohorts. How can one reject all this? If you feel lonely, find a hobby, play sports, join a club or simply go listen to music, watch movies, et cetera. Is the desire to be on his own, a natural drive for ‘The Naked Ape’ aka humans as Desmond Morris likes to call.

I know no one is ever, and I really mean ever going to read this random incoherent rant that I am writing past midnight instead of going to bed despite knowing I have to wake up early for class at 8 am. Yet, my fingers keep moving and somehow thoughts keep pouring. Maybe because I haven’t written freestyle in a long time. Everytime I have tried to write conformist pieces, ones that I can post to my blog and would be acceptable by others since many can and would associate those words with my image/personality.

Do I even know the source of my longing for loneliness? Why I am trying to run away from human civilization? Is it because my “unhappiness is a direct result of contradiction between my natural drive and civilization’s needs”? Yes, this phrase in quotes is Freudian idea that I read today in Elizabeth’s book, “Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s search....”. It’s such a good book. I’ve said this before too. Maybe I like the book because Liz, the protagonist is lonely and depressed too. I find solace in her character and portrayal. And judging from its immense popularity and subsequent filming of a movie based on its story proves that other people identified themselves with the lonely, depressed pleasure seeking protagonist woman. By pleasure I do not mean bodily pleasure alone. She claims she isn’t seeking that even though I can sense she is lying when she says that.

So, what am I seeking? Is it love? Sex? Pleasure? Enlightenment? I do not know for sure. It may be more on the lines of joy. I am seeking joy. I think joy is missing in my life. I do experience occasional joys though. For instance, when I am just lying down or napping in Albert park under the Sun in the afternoon practising the art of doing nothing, that’s when I feel joyful. The same joy is felt when I go running in Auckland domain during the evenings. Joy is greater when I go alone because often I cannot catch up with pace of my other friend that I used to go running with. Listening to music, especially sufi and qawwali by Nusrat Fateh and Ghulam Ali brings joy. But besides these, I struggle to find joy. Drinking offers occasional escapes from boredom but I know it is like taking a shortcut and thus not good for you/me.

I need to learn how to derive joy from mundane worldly activities. I need a GURU.